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The Fallen Angel by Alexandre Cabanel (1847)
The painting depicts the Devil after his fall from Heaven
Prelude: This is just a really personal experience that I really wanted to keep track on. The explanations will certainly not be the same for anyone else. If you fall into such a misconception, please close this window immediately.
First of all, I have not felt this way in a long time and I really mean it. When people ask me how I am, I even have a joke I use a lot: "I haven't felt well since I was about 12 years old."
Of course, for me, this was more of a longing for nostalgia, a reference to how everything was easier when I was a child. I only learned that this joke had some basis in reality when I turned 30 and started right treatment about two days ago.
Yesterday, I smoked a cigarette of my own FREE will. Perhaps something that never happened after I started to smoke at my really young age of 14. This might not seem meaningful to you at first glance. What I mean is, being present while smoking, not fidgeting, and not thinking "I should be doing something else" or "Should I light up one more cig after this one?".
Just standing still and being there, exhaling the smoke -- even though I do not want to praise a bad habit, sorry-- felt really different.
The cursed everything at ONCE Feeling is gone.
Anyway. I decided to keep track of my habits and statistics for the first month, so here they are!
Cognitive Clarity: (1 = Brain fog/racing thoughts; 10 = Clear, singular focus).
Task Initiation: (1 = Frozen on the couch; 10 = Can start tasks immediately).
Working Memory: (1 = Forgetting why I walked into a room; 10 = Keeping track of steps).
Inhibitory Control: (1 = Impulsive/interrupting; 10 = Able to pause and think).
Sympathetic Arousal: (1 = Calm/Quiet; 10 = Heart racing/Jittery).
Nutritional Intake: (1 = Forgot to eat all day; 10 = Ate balanced meals).
Xerostomia Severity: (1 = Normal; 10 = Very dry mouth/Thirst).
Emotional Regulation: (1 = Irritable/Overwhelmed; 10 = Patient and steady).
Morning Rebound: (1 = Heavy "crash"/Sadness at next morning; 10 = Smooth).
| Date | Cognitive Clarity | Task Initiation | Working Memory | Inhibitory Control | Sympathetic Arousal | Nutritional Intake | Xerostomia Severity | Emotional Regulation | Morning Rebound |
| 04.02.2026 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 9 | 3 | 6 | 3 | 8 | 1 |
| 05.02.2026 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 9 | 7 |
| 06.02.2026 | 8 | 8 | 5 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 10 | 8 |
| 07.02.2026 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 3 | 6 | 8 | 7 |
| 08.02.2026 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 4 | 8 | 8 |
| 09.02.2026 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 3 | 8 | 3 | 8 | 9 |
| 10.02.2026 | 6 | 5 | 5 | 8 | 2 | 8 | 2 | 6 | 10 |
| 11.02.2026 | 7 | 6 | 6 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 2 | 9 | 10 |
| 12.02.2026 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 10 | 10 |
| 13.02.2026 | 6 | 4 | 6 | 6 | 6 | 8 | 3 | 7 | 10 |
| 14.02.2026 | 5 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 9 | 3 | 7 | 7 |
| 15.02.2026 | 5 | 7 | 7 | 7 | 6 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 6 |
| 16.02.2026 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 3 | 5 | 5 |
| 17.02.2026 | 5 | 6 | 5 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 2 | 6 | 8 |
| 18.02.2026 | 6 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 5 | 3 | 6 | 8 |
| 19.02.2026 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 9 |
| 20.02.2026 | 7 | 9 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 7 | 10 |
| 21.02.2026 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 9 | 10 |
| 22.02.2026 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 6 | 2 | 10 | 10 |
| 23.02.2026 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 2 | 9 | 10 |
| 24.02.2026 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 8 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 8 | 10 |